Golf. A game of precision, patience, and a whole lot of profanity. For some, it’s a graceful dance of clubs and calm. For others—like you and me—it’s a violent relationship with the ground, the ball, U suck at golf and most of all, our self-esteem.
Welcome to “The Art of the Air Swing,” your crash course in how to suck gloriously, consistently, and unapologetically at golf.
Lesson 1: Embrace the Whiff
The air swing, or “whiff” as seasoned suckers call it, is a rite of passage. You line up the shot, grip it like a pro, take a confident backswing… and proceed to cut through nothing but pure oxygen. Silence. Then maybe the faint sound of your soul leaving your body.
This isn’t failure. This is performance art. You’ve just painted a masterpiece of mediocrity. Own it.
Lesson 2: The Ball is Optional
Contrary to popular belief, golf is not really about hitting the ball. It’s about trying to hit the ball. Thinking about hitting the ball. Staring at the ball like it personally offended you.
If you manage to connect once every ten swings, that’s not bad. That’s progress. And if the ball only goes three feet? That’s just strategy. You're playing the long game. Like, really long.
Lesson 3: The Equipment is the Problem
Always blame your clubs. Slice it into the trees? “This driver has no soul.” Skulled a chip into the next zip code? “This wedge hates me.” Three-putt from four feet? “This putter was forged in the fires of Mordor.”
You’re not bad at golf. You’re just surrounded by bad influences.
Lesson 4: Dress Like a Pro, Play Like a Disaster
Never underestimate the power of looking good while sucking. Loud pants. Bright polos. Visor tilted just right. Sunglasses that say “I’m here for business,” even if your swing says “I’m here for chaos.”
It’s called confident incompetence. Intimidate with the outfit, distract with the disaster.
Lesson 5: Keep the Commentary Coming
The only thing worse than being terrible at golf is being silently terrible. Fill every moment with excuses, jokes, and philosophical reflections like, “Golf is just a metaphor for life, really. Full of hazards, never quite straight.”
Your playing partners will either laugh with you or at you. Either way, you’re now the entertainment.
Bonus Tip: Celebrate Everything
Ball stays on the tee after your swing? Celebrate. Land it somewhere in the right county? Fist bump. Actually hit a green in regulation? That’s cause for champagne and a LinkedIn update.